I miss Brad. He is not gone on a trip, or out of town, or on call today. He is just living his normal day to day routine. I think that this fact hits me several times a week, but it especially hit me this morning when I got up (for the 4th time) to use the restroom at 4:25 a.m. (LOVE being prego!)
Why you ask? Because Brad was already up and was finishing getting ready, about to run out the door. We had about 2 minutes of sleepy, blurry eyed conversation- while he was brushing his teeth. We hugged a few times and mumbled to each other about having a good day. I asked if he needed anything, he said he was good, I crawled back into bed and went back to sleep. Now this interaction is usually a lot shorter if I'm actually still sleeping in bed...he usually just comes and kisses me goodbye, looks at Caroline on the monitor, then leaves. Tonight he won't be home until after 9. I have been anxiously awaiting an evening (for over a month now) when he can help me paint my toenails...I can't reach them anymore...but I guess it won't be tonight! My piggies will probably be in bed.
On the days he is not on call (where he has to sleep at the hospital) he works all day and HOPEFULLY gets home before 7:00 so that he can see Caroline for a few minutes- long enough to bathe her and put her to bed...by 7:30mind you. We eat dinner after she is down, and spend about 30 minutes chit chatting and watching TV. Then we go to bed. We have to...because his day begins again at 3:30 the next morning when his alarm goes off. This is everyday...even weekends. It is a BIG deal if he has a weekend off...which is maybe once a month.
So now we are at a crossroads of trying to figure out when he is supposed to be studying for a big test that he has coming up. He is stressed out MAJORLY about it because he hasn't been able to do a lot of reading or studying. There is a study session on Monday nights that meets from 6-9 that he could go to, but usually work has him tied up and he just can't get there. Plus that would be another night that he couldn't see Caroline. We have had many conversations about how in the world he is supposed to carve out more time to study...there simply doesn't seem to be any real answers! He needs more hours in his day for all the work he is doing. Unfortunately family is only getting a tiny portion of his hours. And I guess from now until the test, my 30 minute chit chat and TV time will be cut out and devoted to his studying.
My question to him last night was "how is marriage supposed to work during this time??" I was not mad, not pouting- just seriously contemplating how in the world relationships are supposed to thrive when only 5-7 hours a week are given to one another....and usually it is spent "just vegging out". We had no answer. No solutions. But this is what we do know...
This is for a season. God brought us here for a purpose. He knew and designed us for this time in our lives. God wants us to rely on His strength and stability to keep us on our feet. It is very hard to remember on a day to day basis- but maybe that is my challenge for this season of my life. Brad and I are completely head over heels in love with one another and love being married to each other. We knew this was going to be hard- we are just in the midst of all the stress and hustle and bustle right now.
Please understand I am not complaining- this is my JOY as a wife to support my husband. As much as I want to be a pity party thrower and sob and cry and pout about how much I miss my husband EVERYDAY....I can't. That's not what I am called to do. I am Brad's support- his helper. My job is cheerleader, encourager, peacemaker, helper. On the days that I have it rough I still have to ask God to help me help Brad get through the stress of it all. I am honored to be that person, regardless of the yucky circumstances. If I fall apart, then I know he is quick to follow. I am not saying I am not able to "crumble" every now and then, but if we want things to work smoothly, we all have to keep holding it together and rolling with the day to day punches this silly residency is throwing our way. The only way to do this is to put our faith and worries totally into God's hands and rest there. But that doesn't change the fact that....
I miss my man. :)